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My sanity wrote a suicide note... [entries|friends|calendar]
Sarah

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Na na na na na na na na na [12 Mar 2011|04:30am]
[ mood | grateful ]

This last round of chemo was horrible. I lost my appetite as soon as I got there. Tried to eat but my tummy said no. I am giving up lotto scratchers for lent even though I am not catholic. I'm doing my own religious thing. I figure I gotta find something I feel right with this way. Anyways, Ruben bought me the last scratchers I could do before lent, and I lost horribly!!! We usually win our money back at least, but not this time...So, I get a call from my sister, she needs to come talk to me, her world is crumbling. Ok. She got fired from her job, which also happened to be where she lived, so she was told to move out immediatly. GREAT. So we go over all her options and being who I am, even though my house is more than full, I offered to let her and Steve stay...very temp. and they have to provide thier own food, and pay rent. I hope I don't end up regretting this.
Day two of my stay and I am not feeling good at all. I have all my favorite nurses and am thankful for that. Kelly had them test for Cdiff and sure enough, possitive. Now I don't want to go into gross details, but this virus is NO FUN!! So I get my new meds...more pills to take.
Day three, my morale is way down. I just want to go home. I need two units of blood. This will further delay my stay. I take alot of ativan and try to sleep.
Day three and half, its 5am, chemos done, I go home.
I can't eat, I can't sleep, everything is stupid. I have to get my neulasta shot, pain here we come.

Today. Today I woke up and ate two egg muffins. Got up, dressed, and went out. I had a free gift coupon at Ulta so we went there and I got some new makeup. I had been wanting/needing to get a new wig, so Ruben, Amber and I went to Wig World. I was super nervous, but the woman, who I assume is the owner, was so very wonderful. She helped me pick out and try on a half dozen wigs until we found the one I liked. She trimed the bangs for me and everything. Now this wig was about $75, not terribly expensive but definatly not cheap. Ruben has his card out ready to pay and this wonderful woman says, "You look like my friend...you remind me of her. Can I give this to you as a gift?" I wasn't sure I heard correctly, and I said "i'm sorry, what?" She said, "free, no charge." I hugged her and cried and thanked her. The generosity of strangers touches me. I will definatly be getting another wig there. The kindness I was shown helped brighten my spirits and put me in a better mood. Today was good. Tomorrow will be great.

(So far there is 2 ball lickers you know you like to lick balls)

Life or something like it [08 Mar 2011|01:05am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Never in a billion years would I have ever thought this would be my life. I expected to go to college, become a teacher or something, not have kids, and be healthy forever. Instead I never went to college, have no career, 4 kids,(which is the part id never take back) and I am living with cancer. My life is nothing like I thought it would be at all. But its MINE. I make the best out of what we have and try to keep positive even when all I really want to do is hide in a cave and cry until everything is all better. It makes me wonder if I asked for all of this and now its being given to me just like I said I wanted. There have been so many times I have wished and prayed for an end to suffering, depression, pain, life...maybe god is granting my prayers and wishes for death, with cancer. As a teen and early early twenties I would say all the time, I wish I were just dead...maybe i'm just getting exactly what I asked for...maybe I brought this on myself with all the negative energy I allow to live inside me. Now if I only knew how to take it all back. To wish and pray for a better tomorow, instead of no tomorrow. To un-say all the horrible things I've said, and undo the horrible things I've done in my life. The selfishness, the anger, the hatred...all for what? To me it all seems pointless now. Why hate what you cant change, or doesnt effect you? Why be angry over problems you cant make better? So I have been making an effort to be more positive and have been trying very hard to FEEL positive. To KNOW I can or will, not just to THINK it. So far this has proven even more difficult than ANYTHING I've been through, chemo, surgery, and childbirth included. I feel so alone all time. Ruben, Ruben really is the BEST person,(not to mention husband, father, and friend) anyone could hope for. He has spent EVERY SINGLE NIGHT here with me in the hospital. He feeds me at all hours, will make me french toast at 2 am when we dont have bread and he has to get dressed, go to the store and buy some, at 2am mind you, in the freezing snow, come home, cook for me, even,though HE has work at 6am, not a complaint!! Only for me to yack it all up and it was all for not. But does he complain?? No, he makes me a bowl of cereal and helps me take my pills so I can go back to sleep. He rubs my back until the pain and yucky go away. This is normal everyday life for him now and it hurts me so bad. I want to be the wife and mother I was before. I feel I have failed them all. Grandma now does most of my mommy stuff, like getting them up and ready for school, breakfast, shower, bus stop. I sleep through all that now cause I feel sickest in the mornings, and dont always sleep good at night. My husband is a poor wreck, working, taking care of me, the kids, the house...everything. And we havent been intimate in months...ALL ME, NOT HIM. I dont feel pretty, or sexy, or desirable, EVER. I just want to hide my shame, even from the one person in this world who loves me most. He still says I am beautiful, but I dont feel or see it. I cry when I see me. I have no hair, eyebrows, lashes, body hair...i am like powder. I hate wearing a wig. I have no sex drive because of all this and the medicines. So I know Ruben has been having to deal with more than his fair share, and more frustration than he can deal with. I feel like a bad wife, but I dont know what else to do!! There is also a big scare factor for me, we have been told several times that if I get pregnant again, it could all start all over again. So until I have my tubes tied, it freaks me out. Im on depo, but I still get my period, which I shouldnt, (not only should depo take my period away for at least the first 9 months of use, I only weigh 85lb., medically, they dont understand WHY my period still comes like clockwork) so I dont trust the birthcontrol, or condoms, and I dont want to go through all of this again, only worse. *sigh* All my real support is in Cali. and I am stuck here in reno. I want to go home. I want to be HOME. THIS is NOT home...Please take me home!!! *cries*

(So far there is 1 ball licker you know you like to lick balls)

Sadly I feel I will never know her [03 Mar 2011|10:29pm]
[ mood | rejected ]

We have the same parents. We share the same traits. We grew up in the same house, the same room...We went to the same schools, had the same teachers. Yet we have never known each other. You always seemed to hate me, so I left you alone. Now we are adults. You look like me. But we couldn't be further apart. It hurts so bad to feel you don't care, but why should you? Better me than you right? Not like you know me anyways. I'm just a bad memory. So for my health and sanity, I won't try. I accept our separation, and I forgive you. I hope things go the way you thought they would...

( lick balls)

Couldn't sleep... [03 Mar 2011|04:47am]
So I figured i'd share some of the funny shit my kids say.
Me: Do you like girls?
Lucian: girls, yea.
Me: Are they pretty?
Lucian: Yea, girls are pretty
Lucian: I like thier pretty pink dresses!

He is 2 1/2!

We are at my parents house for the holidays and its dinner time...
Me: What do you boys want to eat for dinner?
Ruben jr: HASHBROWNIES!!!!
SMH
Me:He means hash browns!
Eyes all on me...


We are in the car with our friend Shaun, we have Jerry with us and he sees a little dog walking by...

Jerry: Hey i've seen that dog!
Shaun: Oh yea buddy? Where at?
Jerry: at the park......when I was high.
Everyone: WHAT!!!!!!
Jerry: on top of the slide. Its really high! I can see everything.
*laughter and sighs of relief*
(So far there is 2 ball lickers you know you like to lick balls)

Food stamps and the fat bitch [02 Mar 2011|02:48pm]
Going to the grocery store so fat ass can spend her food stamps. She is supposed to be gone already. Im not happy.
( lick balls)

Back to journaling...i hope. [01 Mar 2011|06:32pm]
We'll see how long it lasts...
(So far there is 1 ball licker you know you like to lick balls)

After over a year there may finally be an end in sight [01 Mar 2011|06:08pm]
[ mood | determined ]

November 9 2009 was the begining of this horrible chapter in my life. November 13 2009 was my lucky friday the 13th. The tumor in my brain was successfully removed and has stayed gone. December 2nd 2009, my 26th birthday, I was officially diagnosed with Choriocarcinoma, a rare but potentialy cureable cancer. At first I had high hopes and believed whole hartedly I would be cured quickly. By Christmas the chemo had beaten me up so badly I thought I was going to die. I had mouth sores so bad from the methotrexate I couldn't eat, hardly drink, my liver was failing, I had jaundice really bad. I was scared. That was followed by mysterious internal bleeding. They made me drink horrible things that did very bad things to my insides and turned my ass into a discussting faucet. Then I had a camera shoved up my rear, (thank god they put you out for that!) and they found and removed a very large palup, (which they gave me pictures of so if anyone wants to see the inside of my asshole, let me know ;) ) which was caused by the chemo, but, was NOT the source of internal bleeding. So I had to swallow a giant $20000 camera pill which took thousands of pictures as it traveled though my body. I then had the gross privilage of taking a $20000 shit, which I flushed, thinking, this must be what it feels like to be rich and think your shit is better than the next guys. LOL Anyways, from all of that, and several other tests and scans and mris, we finallyget an answer. I was bleeding in a section of my upper intestines, the only way to get to it would have been surgery, which was not an option for me at that point in my treatment. This was the second time I thought I was going to die for sure. Miraculosly, the bleeding stoppef on its own, for no reason. It just did. So we continued the chemo and I came to another low so low I felt I really WAS dying. The chemo had given me such bad mouth sores, and my immune system was so low, that I couldn't get rid of them. For more than 5 weeks I could not eat a thing. I droped under 80lbs. and felt ready to give up. I was either bed ridden, or laying on the couch. The only thing that kept me alive was ice water now and again, and a bag of nutrishion the gave me in the hospital. I had my first siezure in February 2010. It scared us all and Ruben called 911. We were told it was no big deal and was most likely because of my weight loss, and lack of nurishment. A few weeks later I had a more severe attack, about 4 or 5 seizures in a row and I wasn't coming out of it, so Ruben called Op911 again. This time they changed my siezure meds. No more since then. In March 2010 my numbers were all looking good, the beta hcg was practically at zero, all the scans showed great progress. It felt like we were beating it...BAM!!! I get pnmonia! No chemo for almost two months. My hair even started growing back. Bad news...we basically have to start ALL OVER AGAIN! Depression sets in now. Doubt. I cry alot more now, about things more important than my bald head and sickly looking body. I don't want to die. It changes in my head from being a cureable cancer that I will beat quickly and continue with my normal life, to being the thing that may kill me. For the first time my thoughts went from, why me? To what now?? I knew i'd have to fight twice as hard now. During the course of 2010 we switched my chemo treatment several times, found one that seemed to be working, but additionally, it was destroying my kidneys. So we had to stop that so I didn't die from kidney failure. At that point my doctors and the tumor bored were at a lose for ideas. So on February 1st 2011 I saw a doctor at UCDavis med center for a consult. He presented us with either stemcell transplant with intense chemo, not commonly done and may kill me. This was what they were leaning towards. The second option was to remove part of my liver, do some more chemo, and prey it doesn't come back. We saw the liver surgeon today. Thursday I go in for a pet ct which will determine how he will be doing the surgery. Basically though, almost half of my liver will be removed, and there are a couple of lessions on the other half which we aren't sure about so he will be "melting" them away. Scary stuff. But I am still alive and kicking and for that I am grateful and thankful. I will continue to fight, and I WILL WIN!

(So far there is 3 ball lickers you know you like to lick balls)

Wow it's been awhile [31 Aug 2010|02:47pm]
It's funny that I got a nudge from Jerry today, I was thinking last night that I need to write in my LJ. Weird. Anyways, Things aren't so good. In December last year I was diagnosed with cancer. I've been undergoing very intense chemotherapy for the last 8 months. They found a tumor in my brain in November and once removed we found that I had Choriocarcinoma, which came from the molar pregnancy I had. So life hasn't been very kind to me lately. I'm 26 years old and I feel like I'm 80.
(So far there is 1 ball licker you know you like to lick balls)

Ok, here is an update. [10 May 2008|07:11am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Today is my oldest two sons birthday party. Chuck E Cheeses'. Fun. Expensive. They have been looking forward to this for over a month. I on the other hand have been wishing I could take it back and un-invite everyone and somehow erase the memory that it was ever going to happen from the boys' mind. But here it is, the day of the party. Ready or not. We opted to make the cake instead of buy a yucky store made one. We bought a set of 3 spring form cake pans and we made the boys (at Damien's request) a red white and blue cake. We used red velvet cake mix for the red, regular white cake for the white and dyed the white cake with blue food coloring for the blue. I will be frosting it today, but the cakes look nice. I hope the boys enjoy thier party.

For Damien's actual birthday, my dad came up to see them. They were all so happy to see him, even Jerry was all over him which was unusual for me to see, since he is normally the shy one hiding behind mommy. They made my dad really happy. Even the dog took right to him, also unusual. It took her weeks to let Ruben hold her, but within an hour she was on my dad's lap and loving him. He asked me before he left when I was going to send them down to visit so I could get a break. I was surprised. I told him to let me know when they had some time off and wanted them to come down. The boys would love to go stay at grandpa's for a few days.

Ok, now some baby news. May 16th is the day. My doctor has scheduled me for induction next friday. *yikes* Definatly looking forward to seeing my beautiful little baby, definatly NOT looking forward to the pain. But it will be really nice to be able to walk instead of waddle around, and my back pain has been so horrible that I can't sit, stand, or lay down comfortably. My parents are going to try to make it up here on the 16th but we'll see how it goes. My dad has been out of work due to surgery for the last month and I'm not sure when he is supposed to be back. He had to have his galbladder removed. Scary for me because aparently it runs in the family. I've never had surgery and was hoping to live my whole life without having surgery, but I will probably end up having some problems with mine as well. (damn Smith genes)

Sharon (my husbands sister who lives with us) has an appt. to go to orientation for Job Corps on June 5th. YAY! I want her out of my house so bad it hurts. She has got to be one of the stupidest human beings I have ever had to deal with. Hate is a strong word, but I dis-like her so much that hate is the only word I can think of to properly describe it. I'm so done with trying to get her to help herself. She has no respect for anyone or anything and doesn't give a shit about anyone, including herself. She steals from me, she won't do ANYTHING in school, she fucks up everyting she touches, breaks shit, and she is a horrible influence on my children. I feel like bad mom for leting her be here. And her mother does NOTHING to correct her behavior, leaving me and Ruben the bad guys. Like it matters. She doesn't care what we say, do take away or give her. Nothing works. I'm ready to put her on a bus to Porterville and let her find someone else to take care of her. Too bad I'm not that cruel and couldn't do it. We've talked to other family memebers, nobody else wants her either. They all know how she is and even with a $600/month incentive, nobody is willing to take her. We can't kick her and her mom out since the $600 a month is the only income they have and Debbie had NEVER worked in her life. They'd end up homeless and in a shelter or something. We have taken on the responsibility of taking care of his mother for the rest of her life. But Sharon is almost 17 and needs to grow up and act like it. She is not going to be allowed to stay here after she is 18, I simply won't have it. I hope, for her sake, that Job Corps will take her and that she will actually try to benefit from all that they can provide. She needs an education, job training, and for gad sakes to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a 10 year old. She plays stupid so nobody will ask her to do anything. She learned it from her other sister and brother. If she isn't out of my house soon I may kill her.

(So far there is 2 ball lickers you know you like to lick balls)

Been a while [17 Apr 2008|02:26pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

So, I have been home since March 1. No more work for me for a while. Well work in the conventional term that is. I've been busy at home. Lucian is killing me. I haven't gained any other weight besides him so to me I look like on eof those girls in the movies who isn't really pregnant, but rather has a pregnant belly on. My legs are still stick like and everywhere but my belly looks the same as before I got pregnant. I'm not even 140lbs. But my belly is HUGE. Normally my face chunks up really bad when I'm pregnant, but this time, I still have cheek bones, lol. I guess I shouldn't complain but it is weird to me. This being my 4th son and all the others being very similar in the ways I grew, Lucian is 100% different. I found Damiena nd Bubbas baby footprints, and I am just looking for jerry's now. Once I find it I think I am going to start looking for a tattoo artist who is good at footprints. I'm gonna get 4 footprints up my back, left, right, left, right. One of each boy.

Tomorow I have to go get my new ID with my new last name. i've been avoiding it for so long cause I know what a pain in the ass it is going to be. I have to change my name with the DMV, socail security, my credit card co. my bank, anyone I pay bills to...not looking forward to it. But my name on my insurance card is Anderson already and I ave an appt on monday to have my kidneys looked at and the place is REALLY uppity and professional so I know they will give me troubles if I walk in there with an ID that has a different last name. An dthe hospital too when I got o deliver the baby. Fuckin' crapola. Then I have to go get the boys' birth certificates cause somehow all the birth certificates are missing. I'm not looing forward to all this. And then on monday I have a blood test to go do and then onto the kidney guy. I can't even walk around for very long before my sciatica starts up and I hurt so bad I cry. And to top it all off, I don't drive because I'm deadly affraid of it and have anxiety attacks when behind the wheel, so I get to take the bus and taxis. Fuckity fuck. I hate this shit.

(So far there is 2 ball lickers you know you like to lick balls)

[10 Dec 2007|01:32pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

We move out today. Yay. Happy but I don't feel good so....Work sucks. Quickbooks is not rocket science people. I wish people didn't call at all. But then I guess they would employ me huh? Whatever. Lunch is almost over. I should probley get beack to work. Only 3 1/2 more hours. Fuck......................

( lick balls)

no [12 Nov 2007|12:08pm]
Money is the stupidest thing in the whole world. Why can't we all just do what we do good and then trade shit like we used to? Money is stupid. If you have it and you don't have to work and struggle for it, you suck too. I hate everyting.
( lick balls)

I have to pee [08 Nov 2007|10:04am]
fer realz
( lick balls)

Blah and what not [02 Nov 2007|12:58pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

So I have decided I much more prefer a part time job over this 40 hour a week shit. Yes they pay me well, but now I understand why. The people who call me are the dumbest idiots I have ever talked to.

I have finnaly gotten around to updating my new myspace page and adding people from my old. The next step is a new layout and more pictures. I am so lazy. I am looking for a zebra layout that is neat but can't find what I am looking for. I haven't looked very hard but ya know...

The baby is already 2. My god he is huge. The boys are pretty much all potty trained now. We have a kitty and a puppy and they hate each other. The cat tries to kill the dog and the dog just wants to play with the cat...like a stuffed toy.

December 2 is my birthday, December 8 is the company x-mas party and dec 14 is the concert I want to go to. With Christmas being the 25th I am not sure which of these activities will have to suffer. I'm sorta thinking the birthday will have to go. I need to go buy a dress for myself and something nice for Ruben for the party. I also want to have my hair done ( cut and colored not styled) which will cost me an arm and a leg cause my hair is fucked up. It needs to be stripped.

It is friday. Yay? Sorta. The truck is still broken so we get to fix it this weekend. At least I will get some sleep.

( lick balls)

Here I am, for what it's worth [01 Nov 2007|02:02pm]
[ mood | sick ]

My poor little livejournal. I haven't written a serious entry here in so long I sometimes forget I have it. Life is...life. It seems a whole pile of crap has recently been hurled my way. Nothing goes right. Or actually, I should say, one thing will go right followed by a thousand things going wrong. I got a good job. YAY! no, now I have to work being pregnant with horrible morning sickness. AND, Ruben is being garnished for 25% of his net pay so I couldn't quit even if I wanted to. I must sit and suffer. Money problems consume my life. I hate money. Can't we just trade stuff? I'd gladly make a huge quilt and send it to the bank in exchange for letting us keep our fucked up vehicle. Yes it has also turned against us. Our waterpump went out and though an attempt has been made to fix this, it is still leaking. We've poured over $200 of money we don' have into fixing it. Damien still is not in preschool, nor will he get to since we can not afford to send him. All I have is negative. I can't even be happy about the new baby coming since we can't afford it. After losing the last one I thought Ruen would be happy about this. He says he is however I have had no real support from him this time. When I feel yucky, I may get an i'm sorry that sucks. maybe. But mostly I get attitude like it's my fault I feel like shit and how dare I bitch at him. I hate this. I feel alone in this one. Life is stupid.

( lick balls)

goodbye my angel [31 May 2007|01:11pm]
We lost the baby. My heart is completely broken. Life is cruel.
(So far there is 1 ball licker you know you like to lick balls)

Baby [17 Apr 2007|01:09pm]
Baby number 4 is due on December 11 2007. Weird because my mommy died on December 11 1995. I hope we have a girl this time but even if we don't I will be happy. I have already had some morning sickness. I think I'll start using my lj again. I've neglected it for so long.
( lick balls)

stupid fucking library computers [28 Jan 2007|06:05pm]
So I can't get into my myspace right now and it is really the only reason I come to the internet at all. I'm a myspace junkie. So it has to let me go EVERYWHERE else on the web but MY home page. I can go look at my page, but I can't log in and read my messages. I feel locked out and I want to throw this piece of shit computer out a fucking window. I hate technology. It never works right. Why do wehave to be so stupid we can't even make a piece of crap that actually does what it is supposed to. I have 17 minutes before the tiem is up on this computer and then I will move to the one next to me in hopes it is less crappy. Blah. Fuck myspace. assholes. It sucks sitting here being all frustrated cause I have to be quiet when really I just want to scream and yell and throw things. I wonder if anyone else in here feels that way. I bet at least 2 other people do. I hate the library.
( lick balls)

haven't been here in a while [09 Jan 2007|01:30pm]
Hello Livejournal, how are you? I haven't even tried to sign on here in so long I thought I'd forgotten the password. Things have been ok but money wise things suck. We have decided to move back to California. In about a year or so we plan to move down to the Fresno area. But on the outskirts of town so we can have some property. I want a farm. I want ducks and chickens and lamas and horses and all that jazz. I can't wait. I hate the snow. It's so damn cold in the winter and then the summer it's too hot. The family is all good. We now have Ruben's sister Amber with us too. Jerry is huge and fights with his brothers all the time. Damien is huge. He is so smart and a little computer whiz. He can do almost anything he wants to. Open music, play pin ball, play various computer games of his and daddys, he can even turn it on and of the proper way, shuting everything down first. i'm so proud. Ruben and I decided we want another child sooner rather than later. So within the next year we are going to try to get pregnant. People think I'm nuts but I really enjoy being a mommy. And I still have no girls. I want a girl. Boys are great and fun and wonderful but I need to have a little mommy. Damien wants us to have two more. He asked me for a baby for christmas this year but we had to explain to him that it takes time to do that kind of thing. But once we get more situated with our money problems we will try to give Damien that baby he so desires. We got a new kitty. Her name is Roxy. She's a bitch though. I love her but I don't always like her. Anyways, I hope everyone is well and what not. Tata.
(So far there is 5 ball lickers you know you like to lick balls)

Verdi is beautiful this time of year [04 Apr 2006|11:28am]
















( lick balls)

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